Tonight a few friends came to visit us, among them a couple who have five(!) sons, the oldest is 17, and the youngest 5. Nick, the husband is and Englishman, a BBC-correspondent, and Andrea, the wife is Hungarian, former english, and now yoga teacher, who gave birth to all of her kids (can you imagine, what a nice and horrible karma at the same time: five boys!) at home, and never went to a hospital. The second child Máté (all the kids have names that exist in both languages, so in this case: Matthew) was born around the outbreak of the war in Yugoslavia and Nick had to go there before his birth. As Andrea was about to give birth to his second child at home as well, they decided to make a 15 minutes film about it, with the title: "Vigilance" (Virrasztás). It's not a film that shows the process of the whole birth, it's much more a wonderful poem...of a man (Nick) that speaks about his feelings and experiences about war and blood while expecting the birth of his son. How can war exist at all when so beautiful things happen like birth...coming to the light from darkness...leaving behind our bad karmas, getting new chances?! (These about karma are more my thoughts, Andrea and Nick rather come from the christian corner...but anyway). After watching this film now, the first time, i told Nick, that i sometimes just can't sleep at night, even if there is no war around as at the moment, because i still think, so many things will come on Zoé, and i just can't protect her from many things, from all the monsters outside, from everything..anything...i just realised, there is an omni-need of protecting her, and that i'd even give my own life to protect her, and it really kills me to know, i can't, because she'll have to have her own experiences and her own fate, she'll need to start living her life alone at a certain point, and that will be an important milestone. But still...some night i just can't stop those bloody thoughts...and even last night, i had company, and we did that together: Dani accompanied me in this soffocating experience of the need to protect our innocent little angel from life's cruelty. (That's a huge turn in our life: before we'd have thrown away bad thoughts with a huge sex action, and now we are bloody parents!:)
Nick just listened to my thoughts and worries in his very calm and tolerant way and told me something i've never thought that these words could be someone's like Nick's:
"Of course you can protect your kids in many ways, and of course you should do that, no question! You know, when i went to Sarajewo, where people had only fifty thousand guns for the whole city to protect their kids and their home, there were so called shifts to use the guns...unbelievable!....Before i was a pacifist, and i had claimed against any kind of violence. But when i had my family, i've changed. And i turned from a pacifist to a no more pacifist. I would even protect my sons with guns!"
God, that was just the answer i wanted to have! Yepp, even if there is no war, and even if i have no gun in that sense...still...!
That's what i thought to myself all the time before Nick just spoke it out loudly: I would shoot any fuckin' bastard that would even try to come close to my kids, and not only Zoé, but also Domi and Marcell! No question and no compassion!
...és mindenki bekaphatja...!
